(no subject)

[freedhunter]

Going to the mall during the busy hours probably hadn't been the best of ideas, Ford thought as his wife and him were making their way through the crowds, bumping shoulders with passerby's ever so often. He was mainly just annoyed, but he worried about her. Crowds and Darcy had never been the best of combination. Though as far as he could tell, she was holding up okay. Comparing her now to the woman he had first met was like comparing night and day.

Still, they had some shopping to get done, shopping they had been putting off for long enough already. And it had to be now, if they wanted to get home to have dinner at any sort of suitable hour, and go out stargazing later in the evening like he had promised her they would. It wasn't often that he agreed to go out and do that with her, so now that he had promised he wanted to keep that promise.

But it was still crowded. And loud. And annoying and frustrating and full of idiots and... And crowded.

Comments

[freedhunter]

"He just surprised me," he replied. "Considering I'd made him cry even more not even a minute before."

He laced his fingers with hers as they strolled on. "You had been saying something about new sheets, last I recall."

[ocdarcy]

"You didn't make him cry," she protested, brushing her fingers through her hair and laying it over one shoulder. "You asked him a question he didn't know how to answer is all; it wasn't what you said."

Ah, yes, sheets. She was looking for new sheets, because she was slowly but surely redecorating some of the house, though not so much as to ruin it for Ford. So she was heading for an expensive linen store where she could get what she was looking for.

[freedhunter]

He just shrugged. He didn't understand children. Never would, he thought.

He didn't mind it one bit that she was putting her touch to the interior design of his, now their house. She lived there too, after all. As long as she didn't decide to cover the place in pink and flowers, he didn't mind. In fact, he liked the little details she brought.

After dinner, when they were washing up, he caught her glancing at him. He knew that ´look. She was thinking abut something. And, with the events of the day, he could guess. "You're thinking about kids again, aren't you?"

[ocdarcy]

They weren't floral or pink. No she prefered classy neutrals so he was safe from scary girl things at least. And when dinner was over and she was thinking about the day, that image of Jonathan holding a little boy and how natural he looked with him on his arms.

And then he caught her and she flushed, dropping her gaze, "I can't help it."

[freedhunter]

This was one of their sensitive spots as a couple. She wanted kids, and he... It wasn't that he didn't like kids. In most cases he didn't, but he was quite sure people were right when they said it was different when it was your own. It was just... Him. As a father. He could scarcely believe at times that he was married. He was still afraid at times that he wasn't going to be good enough as a husband. A father was ever bigger than that. Butting a child to this world, a world he didn't even like half the time, that was huge. It was a responsibility that he was sure he would fail at.

But she did want a child. He knew she did. They didn't talk about it much, but he knew she did. And, that did make him think. But he owed her a real answer one of these days. Someday soon. A yes or a no. It wasn't fair to keep her waiting for something that might not happen. But he didn't have an answer Not yet. Not a definite one.

He turned to her as he rinsed off a plate, handing it to her for drying. "I kind of figured you would be."

[ocdarcy]

It wasn't like she was good at hiding it either. She was alert to children. If they were out and there was a kid out there, she would find herself watching and curious and imagining how that could be her and Ford. As much as he seemed to think he couldn't handle being a father, or that he couldn't do it, she knew he was wrong. He'd had so much more dedication to people that weren't family, people that became family to him. There was something noble in that and he hated hearing that from her.

She took the plate and dried it off with a towel, stacking it to be put away. She didn't know what to say to him about it though. He was not giving her an answer about it and she would have to eventually decide for herself if she felt she was too old to keep waiting. The longer it went, the less time she had and she didn't want to be a woman in her forties still hoping for kids.

"That poor thing," she murmured, almost to herself, "...he was so scared."

[freedhunter]

The problem with Ford, one that he wasn't completely aware of, himself, was that he looked too much to the past. To what he had been and not to what he was. Maybe it was understandable. He had lived so long on his own, lived as a killer. An expendable asset whose one task was to hunt down a target and kill it. How could someone like that ever hope to be able to take care of a child? Only that was what he had been, not what he had become. It was a pity that he couldn't see that, at least not when it came to the subject of children.

"Yeah. He was." He washed another plate, rinsed it and handed it over. "But I wonder who was most scared, him or the mother."

[ocdarcy]

It was that weird small talk they did whenever kids came up. They both knew what the question was and that there wasn't an answer from her husband on it yet, but she also knew that if they didn't outright talk about it, they'd continue skirting the issue entirely. She didn't want to be pushy and she didn't want to force him into something he didn't want--that would make him just like her own father. She knew better than that and she'd rather be with him, childless than without him and a child, or the option. Darcy hadn't become herself again until he showed up and refused to let her wallow in her own self-pity.

"She was," Darcy answered, "the little boy didn't understand the full extent of fear. He was too young, but a mother?..." Darcy shook her head. She couldn't imagine the fear that had to run through her.

[freedhunter]

"Yeah, that was my bet, too." He'd sensed the panic when they were looking for her, after all. He almost added that to the list of reasons to not have a child. What if something happened? How would that feel?

He washed the last plate, rinsed and handed it over. Pulled out the plug to drain the disrupt dishwater. Started to wipe down the sink. "So. Stargazing." Yes, he changed the subject, but he didn't think they were done with it for the night.

[ocdarcy]

"Stargazing," she smiled over at him as she stacked the last plate and put them away in the cupboard. "Make some tea for us? I'm going to go grab blankets," she asked before leaning in to kiss his cheek. Darcy walked away and headed upstairs to grab something warmer to pull on, then a couple of big warm blankets. She took a moment to stand there in their room. Their was still this residual feeling of awe when she realized she was married and not just married, but married and happy. She had to remind herself sometimes that happy is all she wanted and if this was all she got, kids or no, she could be very happy.

Darcy returned downstairs and slipped on a pair of warm slippers. "Ready?" she asked him.

[freedhunter]

"Just about." He was just pouring the finished tea into a thermos for them to bring out. He'd also slipped a small flask of bourbon into the bag they were bringing, because why not? Once the thermos had joined the flask, he handed the bag over. "Go get the car running and I'll be with you in a minute." He gave her a quick kiss and headed upstairs to find a warmer sweater.

[ocdarcy]

She saw the flask and smiled. Oh, he would. Not that she minded so much, but she was less likely to add alcohol to her tea. She nodded and took the gear outside, grabbing his keys and going to his card. She put everything in the back seat and climbed into the passenger side, reaching across to turn on the car and get the heater going. Darcy had a few moments to curl herself up into the seat, to warm up while the car got warm. Most of all she tried to clear her head of thinking about children. She didn't like how she ran herself in circles over it.

[freedhunter]

Another one who was running in circles about the subject was, of course, Ford. He loved his wife, so very much, and he would give her the very world if she wanted it and if it was in his power to do so. But, this? Children? He just couldn't see, how that could not go wrong. But she wanted children...

He found a warm sweater, and pulled on his warm, black, woolen coat on top of it. He did hate the cold, and tonight looked to be one of those clear but cold nights.

He left and locked the house and got in the car, and they were off.

[ocdarcy]

Until they came to a decision, they were going to go in circles over it. Right now, she hoped to go out and spend some time clearing her head, staring at the only thing that made sense to her even in the worst of times. She loved the sky and always had. It was clear and beautiful and cold, but she would snuggle up close to her husband who could act as a personal space heater for her.

They drove out of the city so they could find somewhere a little darker where the skies would be clearer. She snuggled into the seat in the car while he drove, glancing over at him every so often. "How's Francis been?" she asked. She hadn't spoken to him lately, but she figure Ford may have.

[freedhunter]

"He's good." He talked with him often over the phone, but they didn't meet up as often as Ford would have liked. But the man was busy, Ford knew, and he had just properly settled in into married life, himself. "He's just about working himself to the bone trying to get better, from what I can tell. Seems Quinn's helping him out a lot. Seems she's always at his place when I call." He had his definite suspicions about that, but so far Francis hadn't said anything.

[ocdarcy]

Darcy had her own suspicions. Quinn was always either working or helping Francis. She wasn't sure if she was trying to ignore what happened to her until it went away and those feelings vanished--which they wouldn't--or if she was involved in something she couldn't tell her. There was the thought that those two had become close, but she didn't let her mind wander that direction.

"He'll get there," she said as positively as she could. He was a strong man, strong enough to come out of it in the first place. He'd make it. He had to.

[freedhunter]

"I'm just worried he's pushing himself too hard. I know he wants to get back to where he was." And that scared Ford a little, because that might mean that Francis was preparing to get out there again. Back to work, back to hunting. Back to killing, he thought, thought he knew that taking life had never been Francis' first choice.

"What about Quinn? What's she doing when she's not playing nurse or personal trainer to Francis?"

[ocdarcy]

"Maybe he'll know when he hits his limit," she tried to sound encouraging. It wasn't easy especially since he seemed like the type to be very dedicated to what he set his mind to. It reminded her a lot of Quinn.

"I don't hear from her much. She's training and trying to figure out where they're going to put her. I don't want her back in that, but I can't tell her no. I have no place to," she resigned herself to that a long time ago. "She's going to do what she's going to do and there's nothing I can say or do to stop it. And I don't think she does have the sense to know where her limits are."

[freedhunter]

"Francis is the kind of guy that, when it comes to himself, he'll find that limit and then try to take one step past it. If he can't, he'll nurse his wounds and try again. And again. Maybe that's how he became as strong as he did."

But about Quinn, well... "You're the big sister, of course she's not going to listen. But hopefully Flynn will have some sense for once and she'll listen to him. And Francis can be good when it comes to making Flynn see reason."

[ocdarcy]

"I hate not having any control over this," she muttered. That wouldn't surprise Ford at all. Darcy's quest for control often left her feeling short of her goal and self-loathing. She wasn't going to be able to control her sister or make her see any sort of reason, but maybe someone else could and Darcy would have to accept that as that being as good as it would get. That was all she could do.

Francis was someone Darcy trusted, however. She could understand him and feel like he had Quinn's welfare in his best interest. That would have to do.

[freedhunter]

He glanced over. "I know you do." And he did know. He had gotten so much better, but she still had her issues.

They finally arrived at their destination; a field outside of the city. With no city lights there, no light-pollution, the night sky seemed to come alive. Ford parked and got out, fetching the blankets and the bag from the backseat. "So... Pick a spot."

[ocdarcy]

He understood and he knew when to push and when to tell her to shut up and right now all he had to do was let her know he got it. She was always going to struggle with some aspects of this control issue, but she was much better than she had been.

They arrive and climb out of the car. Looking up at the sky and then the field, she headed out to a big open spot, coat tugged tightly around her, the collar popped up over her neck to keep in the heat. "Here's good," she said finally, still standing with her eyes turned up.

[freedhunter]

One of the blankets were placed on the ground to keep the cold in the ground from seeping up into them. Then, as soon as she had sat down, he took a seat behind her, long legs on either side of her, and wrapped the two of them up in the remaining blanket. That was as cozy as it was going to get. Which wast actually quite a lot.

"So what do you see today?" He asked, resting his chin on her shoulder.

[ocdarcy]

Darcy essentially folded up into the fetal position with her legs pulled up to her chest and leaning back against him. He was warm and the blanket helped and the sky was gorgeous tonight. The stars were bright and the void a beautiful black, hints of color around the edges. She was really glad he'd agreed to go stargazing with her. It was something that soothed her.

"I see..." she smiled up at the sky. She could answer with the constellations and where certain satellites should be passing over, but no, today she would be a little more poetic. "I see options. I see different paths and serenity. I see something that I don't need to control."

[freedhunter]

He smiled and turned his head to kiss her neck. "You're in a philosophical mood today," he mused, and after yet another brief kiss to her neck he looked up again. He couldn't see options, nor could he see paths. But he could see serenity and something that didn't need to be controlled. Something that couldn't be controlled, and that was just fine.