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[freedhunter]

Going to the mall during the busy hours probably hadn't been the best of ideas, Ford thought as his wife and him were making their way through the crowds, bumping shoulders with passerby's ever so often. He was mainly just annoyed, but he worried about her. Crowds and Darcy had never been the best of combination. Though as far as he could tell, she was holding up okay. Comparing her now to the woman he had first met was like comparing night and day.

Still, they had some shopping to get done, shopping they had been putting off for long enough already. And it had to be now, if they wanted to get home to have dinner at any sort of suitable hour, and go out stargazing later in the evening like he had promised her they would. It wasn't often that he agreed to go out and do that with her, so now that he had promised he wanted to keep that promise.

But it was still crowded. And loud. And annoying and frustrating and full of idiots and... And crowded.

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[freedhunter]

One of the blankets were placed on the ground to keep the cold in the ground from seeping up into them. Then, as soon as she had sat down, he took a seat behind her, long legs on either side of her, and wrapped the two of them up in the remaining blanket. That was as cozy as it was going to get. Which wast actually quite a lot.

"So what do you see today?" He asked, resting his chin on her shoulder.

[ocdarcy]

Darcy essentially folded up into the fetal position with her legs pulled up to her chest and leaning back against him. He was warm and the blanket helped and the sky was gorgeous tonight. The stars were bright and the void a beautiful black, hints of color around the edges. She was really glad he'd agreed to go stargazing with her. It was something that soothed her.

"I see..." she smiled up at the sky. She could answer with the constellations and where certain satellites should be passing over, but no, today she would be a little more poetic. "I see options. I see different paths and serenity. I see something that I don't need to control."

[freedhunter]

He smiled and turned his head to kiss her neck. "You're in a philosophical mood today," he mused, and after yet another brief kiss to her neck he looked up again. He couldn't see options, nor could he see paths. But he could see serenity and something that didn't need to be controlled. Something that couldn't be controlled, and that was just fine.

[ocdarcy]

She tilted her head to the side as he kissed her neck and smiled, "Even I get tired of thinking in grids and boxes after a while." That's often what she saw. There was a lot of times that she mapped things out and found perfect grids and boxes and then all she could do was see those little squares. She needed to not think that way all the time.

But she was still stuck on them and it was still running through her head. "You're never in a philosophical mood," she teased him. "Everything is one thing or another."

[freedhunter]

"Oh, I can get philosophical. But that's usually not very good." Guilt and death and what ifs and... So many what ifs. Those were the times when he would brood, go off on his own and not really communicate. He preferred it when he had his head squarely on his shoulders instead of up in the clouds. His feet firmly on the ground.

He opened the blanket enough to reach out into the bag and take out the thermos and the two plastic mugs they had brought with them. Quickly as to not loose the heat trapped in the blanket he filled the mugs, handed one to her. Then with some maneuvering he managed to hold the blanket closed in one hand and his mug in the other.

[ocdarcy]

"Okay, so no philosophical conversations, but what about theoretical " he would know where she was going with this immediately, but the conversation had come up earlier and she felt that she could ask again. Maybe not for a direct answer, but that she was looking for him to give her one and preferably sooner than later.

She took the mug with a thanks and helped pull the blanket shut around them to keep out the cold. The heat from the mug helped keep her warm.

[freedhunter]

He could guess where she was going with that. Taking a deep breath and willing his mind to keep calm and not go on immediate defense and feel bad, he took a sip of tea and nodded. "Okay then. Theoretical. Shoot."

[ocdarcy]

She wasn't sure she could actually come up with a good way to phrase this, but most of all she wanted to know his heart about it. She knew what he logically could tell her about why they shouldn't have children, but he's yet to explain emotionally what that would mean. And she couldn't bring up a child in a loveless home if the father didn't want them in the first place.

"Theoretically, let's say we do have a baby," she breached it slowly, "do you imagine you'd resent me for pushing you?" She hasn't been pushing too hard but there was pressure.

[freedhunter]

He shook his head. "No." If they had a baby, then it wouldn't be an accident. It had been many years since he had rendered himself infertile. I was a simple thing for a shifter like him. A simple thought, blockage to the vasa deferentia, and ta-daa: the easiest vasectomy ever done. So in other words, if they had a baby, then he had agreed to it. He would have made an active decision. And he wasn't the type to be pushed into that against his will.

"Theoretically, let's say we don't." Of course he had to turn the tables. "Will you resent me for refusing you children?"

[ocdarcy]

Short and to the point, isn't he? No discussion, just that he wouldn't resent her. Okay, that was at least a good thing. It meant that he wouldn't feel she was to be blamed for that direction their life may or may not go. Even so, she was glad to hear it. It wasn't an answer, but it was something. Until he asked his own question. She took a sip from her mug first.

"No," she answered just as quickly after the sip. She didn't want to tell him that she was anticipating a no in the first place, but she didn't want to say anything much about it, really. Still... "I long decided that if you don't want to, that I'd much rather have you than have you not like me anymore for it. I think I just want to know..." she trailed off.

[freedhunter]

He knew, he really did owe her an answer, she deserved to know what she was going to get from him. The trouble was... "I'm not saying no. Not... I don't know, yet. I know you want them, and I am giving it a great deal of thought, I just... I still think I'm not suitable to be a dad."

He hugged her tighter, against resting his chin on her shoulder. "I know it's not fair to keep you waiting like this."

[ocdarcy]

The way he hugged her tighter made her feel more secure. It meant that he wasn't dragging her along without regard to her feelings. He very clearly cared that she did get an answer, but he needed to make the decision himself. She respected that. Darcy rested her hand over one of his thighs as he braced her between his legs.

"I'm being impatient," she said, tilting her head to lean against his, "I'm unable to control your decision and we both know how crazy that makes me. You deserve the time to decide and I'm not making that decision for you. But... you would be a good father. Then again, I also know that if you don't want to be and decide to anyway... that's not good for anyone."

[freedhunter]

Over time, Ford had gotten far better at communicating with Darcy, to speak his mind and drop the snarly facade when he needed to. To actually share. Thank God for that, otherwise they wouldn't be having this much-needed conversation.

"It's not that I don't want to be a dad. It's more that I shouldn't be." He paused for a sip of tea, silent a moment longer after he had lowered the mug. "Before you it was easy. I didn't have to think about it. I wasn't going to be a dad and that was it. I didn't have to think about whether I wanted to be or not."

he sighed, leaning more heavily against her, hi mouth against the back of her shoulder. "And just so you know," he mumbled. "I'm very close to getting all philosophical and brooding on you."

[ocdarcy]

She was grateful for him opening up sometimes. It used to be a constant guessing game. They kept all the emotion inside and never once talked it out. She had even become more able to express herself, not feeling like every little thing was going to set him off. When he did admit to feeling a little broody, she immediately drew back any further questions she might have. This could wait. He deserved to take the time he needed.

Darcy rubbed her hand affectionately against the outside of his thigh, "Don't do that, sweetheart," she murmured back to him, turning her head slightly to catch a glimpse of him, "Do me one favor, though... don't forget that I fell for you. There's got to be something right with you."

[freedhunter]

He was never going to be able to explain why he felt he would be such an unfit parent if he didn't talk about the darker parts of him and his past. But even if he did explain, he wasn't sure she would understand.

He smiled against her shoulder at those words. "Or there's something very crazy about you." He didn't know if there was something right with him, but he did know that he was doing something very right for her.

[ocdarcy]

Darcy snorted in reply and smacked his leg where she'd previously been being sweet. "There's absolutely something crazy about me," she agreed, even if he was insulting her. It was good. She felt good with him. She felt like herself and that things could be okay. "You're so obnoxious," she shook her head, leaning back then so she could look up at the sky. If she could get herself to tuck in closer to him than she already was, she would. He was keeping her warm, even if he claimed she was the warm one.

"You're allowed to talk if you need to," she expressed softly. It wasn't a push to make him do so, but she felt that she should verbalize the option for him.

[freedhunter]

He grinned. "I am, and you love me for it." Strangely enough, she did.

They settled again, silence falling, heavy but not uncomfortable. "You wont like it," he said in reply to her invitation to talk. She didn't like it when he tried to explain why he wasn't a good man. They had been there many times before, then in regards to their relationship, why he so often had felt that she would be better off without him. He still felt that on occasion, but he no long voiced it. She had made her choice and married him despite knowing who and what he was, and he was so grateful for that, that she just wouldn't listen when he said that she was too good for him.

[ocdarcy]

"I don't have to like it," she said in response. She didn't like where his mind usually went and she didn't want to cause him any more pain over what he thought of himself. That's really all it ever came down to for them. He thought he wasn't deserving and she thought he was wrong. In the end, she managed to get him to marry her despite his thoughts on himself. She knew she couldn't change his mind.

Darcy kept up the affectionate touches while tucked under that blanket, "I'm letting you talk if you need to. Not even about the kids thing... I'm not pushing that. I'm offering to listen, is all."

[freedhunter]

It was about the issue about children, though. Otherwise they were great. Golden. They lived an easy life now, but time and energy to spare for each other. But this was an issue, one they needed to solve somehow.

"I cut ties with my family when I was sixteen," he started, again mumbling against her shoulder. "I vanished, and never let them hear from me again. My father died without knowing what happened to me. I found my mother on her deathbed, and I was the one who ended her life. I haven't set foot in school since the day I left home, and practically every skill I have has been stolen from someone else's head. And, it's been years since I lost track of how many people I've killed. So many, and sometimes I think they are all hiding somewhere inside my head." He trailed off, silent for a moment, staring at nothing. "What kind of a father could I ever hope to be?"

[ocdarcy]

It broke her heart to hear him talk like that about himself. He's seen so much in his life and somehow that's painted the way he views himself and he can't escape that. No amount of love and affection she can offer would allow it. He had to find the answers for himself.

"It makes you a man who has seen the worst of the world and is so much wiser than a lot of us," she murmured to him, wishing she could get her arms around him. "But what about the good things? The people you saved by keeping others off the streets. You saved me from imploding. You kept Francis safe. I know I can't convince you, Jonathan, but you aren't some monster and I think it's more important you solve that than thinking about the father you could be. You need to see the man you are now... the way I see you."

She thought that maybe she should ask if she could show him. Let him into her head and see him through her eyes but... no.

[freedhunter]

"You are too good to me." He sighed and held her tighter. At least he hoped she understood why he was so hesitant to help bring another life into the world. "And I love you for it."

It was so quiet out there. Quiet and dark. Maybe that was what made it easier to talk like this.

[ocdarcy]

Darcy shut her eyes as he held her tighter and told her why he loved her. It made her smile, nestle in closely to him. He didn't see himself like she did, but he saw her in a way that she didn't also. They were both seeing the best in flawed people.

"We all deserve a little goodness," she whispered, turning her face just slightly to nose against his temple and murmured, "I love you."

[freedhunter]

He just held her tightly for a moment before he eased up and sat up straighter, clearing his throat. "And now I need a drink." He hadn't meant to get all brooding on her, but hey. Sometimes it happened. But it would be a shame to ruin the night with that, so he pulled himself together. "Could you dig out the flask from the bag?"

[ocdarcy]

She didn't think he ruined it. She thought he was letting her in on what was in his head. She was okay with that, even if it got dark sometimes. He asked for the flask though and she giggled, managing to escape the blanket very quickly and dig it out before snuggling back in against him. "Here," she offered to hand it to him.

[freedhunter]

He finished off the tea while she found the flask, and then traded his empty mug for the flask. After settling much like they had been before he took a sip, feeling the familiar burn down his throat. He didn't speak now, just let the silence settle again,