Meta psych-session!
Feb. 20th, 2010 11:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
freedhunterFor laughs, Ford got to sit down with a psychiatrist, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elizabethdehner. He was none too happy about the idea, but I figured that it could give some character insight.
L: I'm not just a shrink, I'm a psychiatrist. Makes me a doctor.
F: Still a shrink as far as I'm concerned.
L: I that makes you feel better about it, then I can deal with that.
F: Smooth start there, doc.
L: I don't see that you are the formal type. I can take on a more proper role if it will make you more comfortable.
F: That would just make me laugh at you.
L: So, my first assumption was correct. How much doubting of me are you going to do before we both just accept that this is going to happen?
F: Oh, not so much before as during the whole thing.
L: Alright. Then we might as well get to it. Why do you think you are here talking to me?
F:Because my annoying mun thought it would be fun. Because the morons on top doubts my sanity or something, I figure. Won't let me work.
L: You must like what you do if you are willing to see a shrink because they ask you to.
F: You do realize that you pretty much asked me if I enjoy killing people, right?
L: Trust me, I've heard plenty of strange things, aliens included, so yes, I'm asking.
F: Alright then. No, I don't enjoy killing. This is pest control, more or less. It's a job. It pays the bills.
L: So why that job? There's other ways to do 'pest control.'
F: Really now? Please do tell what we should do with those cone rogue. Hand them over to the cops, who doesn't even know we exist?
L: *raises eyebrow* Alright, point taken. You are still flirting around the question. Let me rephrase this; why did you choose to take on this kind of job? Was there nothing else that interested you?
F: Oh, sure there was. A hell of a lot of no good, actually. But when you're faced with the ultimatum 'join our merry gang or have your personality rewritten like a fucking robot' then you tend not to think too hard on it.
L: Ah, I can see where the hostility comes from. Since I don't know much about you other than just what I've heard, tell me what your superiors think is wrong with you. I can't get anywhere unless you help me find the start.
F: After a work-related incident they think I might be unstable. I'm not. I'm perfectly fine. And they don't even have anything better than that I might be unstable to come with.
L: I have a hard time believing they are making it up. You kill people for a living. Any incident might be worth talking to someone. *leans back and folds her arms over he stomach* You are awfully impersonal.
F: I don't see any reason to be personal. *Leans back as well* And I'm sure they're not making up their worry. But that doesn't change that I'm fine.
L: No one is perfectly fine. We all have our crutches, if you will. You are one of the most fabulous liars I have ever come across though.
F: Watch it, dear. *warning tone*
L: *leans forward, elbows on her knees, pretending he doesn't intimidate her* You are also hostile. You may be cleaning up the streets, but there's more to you than this charming, albeit elusive man sitting in front of me.
F: Yes, I'm hostile. I don't like shrinks, or doctors of any kind for that matter. And being a generally unpleasant person sort of comes with the job. I just happened to be generally unpleasant even before.
Liz: Why?
F: Hell if I know.
L: That's a lie. Think about it. Why?
F: Doc, I've never had much respect for others. I haven't bothered to try to figure out why.
L: Then let's figure it out. What was it like growing up?
F: Oh for fuck's sake, we on my childhood already? Alright, fine, I'll play along. Quiet and safe. A few buddies to hang around with, nice parents and all that.
L: *Mildly amused since she knew she would get that answer* What was your favorite toy as a kid?
F: Lego.
L: Did you follow directions to build something? Did you like the building or the tearing them apart later?
F: No. And building. How goes the analyzing?
L: The analyzing is curious actually. What were you like as a teenager?
F: Early or later?
L: Both.
F: Reserved. And later a mean little bastard.
L: What changed in the middle?
F: Got fed up with quiet and safe and left.
L: Why's that?
F: You tell me, doc. You're the one doing the analyzing.
L: That's not something I can analyze without all the data. What happened somewhere between then that changed things? Something made you want to leave. Was the grass greener somewhere else?
F: You're not going to accept boredom, are ya?
L: Only if you have a very good reason for that to be the only explanation. Did you have overbearing parents? Did they have a lot of plans for your future? Were they ambitious themselves?
F: They were good people. Middle class. Concerned about my future, sure, but what parents aren't? Not a hell of a lot of plans, no.
L: What were your friends like?
F: *shrug* hardly remember them anymore. Played soccer. Read comics. Talked about girls.
L: Are you parents still alive?
F: No idea.
L: Did you cut off contact with them? If so, I'd hope it was for there safety.
F: Seriously? I pretty much ran away from home because I was bored, and you wonder if I kept in touch? Come on...
L: Why'd you run away, Ford?
F: Do you have hearing problems? Or is it such a hard concept to grasp?
L: Alright, alright. You will be the first case in which someone left home with no reason other than boredom. I'll make a note.
F: *sneerk*
L: Go ahead, be proud of yourself. What made you a 'mean bastard' as a teenager? Just the boredom?
F: No, that would be experimenting the limits of my telepathy, and not really finding any.
L: And that made you mean?
F: Give a teenaged kid the ability to make people do exactly what he wants, and make him perfectly aware of it. How do you think that would end?
L: Different for some people. I can't speak from experience when I say that it scares me.
F: Well, I went wild with it, in any case. There, that's my childhood. What have you deduced from this?
L: Look, I'd like to say that I have a diagnosis for you. I'd like to say that you are easy to figure out and that I could make a series of observations, but I can't because there's more than what I'm hearing from you. You can act smug all you like, but you are human, Ford, just like everyone else. Yes, you are definitely special compared to the rest of us, but you are a human and I don't buy for one second that you don't feel anything. People aren't bitter and mean because they can't be. They are that way because they hurt. So why don't we try this again.
F: *smirk* I never said I wasn't human, and I never said that I don't feel anything.
L: You say more with your body language and your short answers than you think you do. I've been doing this job for long enough to know when people are holding back. Why don't you tell me about Sarah?
F: Sarah? Annoying bitch most of the time, but surprisingly fun to be around.
L: Sounds like you like her more than most people you encounter.
F: Mainly because she doesn't pretend to be all nice, or that everything is good in the world.
L: She sounds fairly realistic, then. *sighs* You know, I'm surprised. I had a preconceived notion of what I would be dealing with when I met you and you aren't how I expected.
F: Really? Color me curious.
L: I expected someone a little more unpredictable. There's a few mysteries in you, but nothing that makes you out of the ordinary. Which is why I still can't figure out how building with legos was your favorite thing to do as a kid where as now you kill people. Then again, I don't actually feel threatened by you.
F: Why should you? I have no reason to kill you. Like I said in the beginning, I don't particularly like killing people.
L: And that's where I'm stuck. You don't like it, but you do it. You were forced into it, but you don't have the desire to get out of it. You are quite frankly all contradictions.
F: I don't like it, but I'm damn good at it. And I can see that it's needed. So since I'm good at it, why not do it?
L: Didn't you have ambitions for yourself when you left home?
F: Not really. Nothing more than to enjoy myself.
L: Well, if I could dissect your brain, I would definitely want to. I can't say that you are 'fine,' but you are great at faking it.
F: You can have it when I'm done with it.
L: *laughs*
L: So how does your telepathy work, then?
F: What, you want the specifics?
L: I'm a curious person. I just want to know what's it like, what you are capable of and where it all started.
F: It requires either physical contact or eye contact for it to work. Once that's established there's not really a limit what I can do with it.
F: And I can't even remember when it started.
L: Did you always have it then?
F: Dunno. It's like something was always there, but I didn't start to use it until I was ten or so, I think.
L: I suppose that makes sense. Having something hard wired into you. I sorta know how that feels, but nowhere near that extent. Do you like this ability?
F: *shrug* it has its uses.
L: Its never really given you trouble?
F: No, but I've given others trouble with it.
L: Maliciously or otherwise?
F: A bit of both. And a lot of experimenting. Teen years, again. After that I've mostly just used in my work.
L: I guess I can understand that. Learning your limits as a teenager is pretty typical, with or without telepathy.
F: *another shrug* Guess so.
L: You aren't much of a talker.
F: Only occasionally. This is not one of those occasions.
L: And that's because I'm a shrink.
F: Partly. It boils down to me thinking that this is all a big waste of time.
L: Why's it a waste of time? You don't think there's parts of you that need solving? Or maybe just a smoother explanation?
F: I have no idea what you mean by that last part, but I like solving my own puzzles, thank you.
L: You know yourself as well as anyone else and you don't have any events in your life that changed you in a way you don't understand? I sure as hell can't seem to figure it out for you and you won't let me in, either.
f: I know myself better than anyone. I know how I function. And no, I'm not letting you in. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I'm fine. I'm the same asshole now as I was before the incident. But I guess you won't believe that.
L: I'm not really seeing this as a before and after situation. You are the same from before. Alright, I will trust you. Look, I have always had an intuition that is terrifyingly accurate. I feel like I'm missing something - we're missing something. But I can only go as far as you will let me. Since I doubt appealing to the human side in you will work and I'm not about to threaten you, then we must be done. I'd like to know more, I'd like to help, whatever that means, but I can't. Maybe it is less about you and more about how you hurt others, I don't know.
F: See, that's the good thing about being a loner; you don't hurt anyone you care about.
Liz: *totally just got permission to use Sarah's session as amo* You may be a loner, but you have hurt someone and I'll bet you anything that you do care about them.
F: Like who? *oblivious Ford is oblivious!*
L: *way too excited about this* Sarah.
F: *think think think. Can't have been any of the screaming matches... Oh, right!* That was on her own damn head. I was unconscious. I can't be blamed for that.
L: No, maybe you can't. But it hurt her. It scared her. And she, even with all the denial, was concerned for you. She risked herself, everything about her, to go in after you. She's hurting over that still. You can't be blamed for something you couldn't control. She cares about you an awful lot more than she will ever admit.
F: She tried it twice, she said. That the first time sort of scared her off. That she didn't quit then is all on her. Am I grateful? A bit, yeah. I think I'd have gotten out anyway given time. But if she wants to stick her hand into meatgrinder, can you really blame me for it?
L: Ford, that's not what we're talking about. You are missing the point. She went in after you. She was terrified for you. It wasn't just going in after you, it was being afraid of what could have happened to you before you landed in the hospital. She said you disappeared.
F: Yeah. Duty called.
L: Fine, duty called. It doesn't at all strike you with anything that she cared? You give no emotional response to that? To her? She doesn't deserve more?
F: Okay, here it is. Plain and simple truth. I like her. I really do. I think she's cool, and one of the very few in this world that I'm willing to trust with anything. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to change myself for her.
L: She'd never ask you to change, Ford. Never. She knows how important you are and what would a hard-headed, sarcastic and defensive woman do with a knight in shining armor anyway?
F: ...what the fuck?
L: *laughs* The only women that ask men to change for them are the women looking for a knight in shining armor. She's not one of those women. She doesn't need you by any means. She functions on her own as well as she can, but she still sticks around and she still cares.
F: ... *Is wondering if this damned shrink interpreted what he said in a totally wrong way.* That would be her own problem.
L: *can see wheels turning* What are you thinking?
F: With your talk about knights in shining armor, it makes you sound like you believe that there's some romantic interest there.
L: *snorts* No, no, no, knight in shining armor. A hero. You are no hero and she would never make you change to be one. Romantic interest was not what I was implying.
F: Hero? *short laugh* Definitely not.
L: Like I said, a hero complex is definitely not something you have. Quite the opposite actually.
F: What, with my insisting that I'm not that nice?
L: You don't seem to think much of yourself at all. You don't think you are evil, you just seem to not think anything of you. There could be a whole other life for you out there, yet you stay where you are.
F: Did Sarah say anything at all about Francis?
L: *narrows eyes* He's a good kid and he needs you.
F: He's broken is what he is. And don't call him kid; he's older than I am. But, yes, he needs me. Doing what I do now gives me enough money after fairly little time to be able to be around. Plus, It wouldn't be as simple as that to leave.
L: I'm sorry, I've never met him and I know very little about him. Why can't you leave him? You'll have to explain it to me, I'm not completely caught up.
F: The bitch that I left without warning to dispose of? She broke his mind years ago. Completely shattered it, and piece by piece it's been rebuilt into something that at least isn't a frantic animal. But he's essentially a little kid, mentally. I can leave him alone for a few hours, but that's pretty much it.
L: *totally wants to 'awww' at him* Maybe there's more of a hero in you than I expected. Again, you've got me stumped.
F: He was my partner for over ten years. And I'm not completely soulless, you know?
L: I wasn't completely convinced earlier. You don't show signs of guilt, remorse, happiness. The only thing I catch is the occasional flicker of revenge and even then I'm not sure.
(bethdehner (23:43:46): (Liz is totally useless when it comes to Ford. She's captivated by him, but doens't know what to do with herself)
filthyjinx (23:44:54): (I'm sorry! *facepalm* He's just... himself))
bethdehner (23:45:21): (haha, no its awesome. He's a challenge.)
F: I find guilt and remorse useless. And happiness I leave for others.
F: Okay, time for plain and honest truth again. Happiness and such is not what I'm after. This is gonna sound noble as all hell, but it really isn't. The one goal I have it to try to piece Francis back together, to the man he used to be. That's it. Just because I want him back.
L: I can see why Sarah likes you.
F: Shut up.
L: *smiles* You want to do something good for someone and you don't want people to like you for it?
F: I don't think it would matter much where Francis is concerned. He seems perfectly happy the way he is. But I want him back the way he used to be. There's nothing noble or altruistic there.
L: Your problem isn't that you lie to others or you have some hidden agenda. It's that you lie to yourself. Admitting that you care for someone doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you the hero. We all pretend not to care, because once we let ourselves care we get hurt. We open ourselves up, we become vulnerable and a lot of the time it backfires.
F: Oh, stop it with the hippie bullshit. First of all, I've already said that there are people I care about. But that doesn't mean that I have any inclination to let them close. I simply have no interest. Never had.
L: Never in all my years studying people - and you can believe me when I say that's a lot of people - have I come across anyone who wants to be alone. None. Only have people held others back for fear of getting hurt themselves. Its a big scary world out there and you know it better than anyone. Either you know them getting close to you will hurt you or it will hurt them. If the former, you need to grow up. If the latter, your noble causes are only hurting them more.
F: Except for Francis and Sarah, it's because I tend to find people moronic. Francis... yeah, guess we're close. But like I said, he's mentally lie a child. A child with ADD, no less. As for Sarah... Considering that we scream insults at each other and still somehow manage to keep from killing each other, I'd say that she's as close as she's going to get.
L: What are you afraid of?
F: Not particularly much nowadays.
L: Not physically, Ford. Not what is going to kill you, not what is going to haunt you. What about letting people closer scares you? I get it, okay? I really do. I spend most of my time lurking around corridors watching other people live their lives. Its my job. I stay away because people don't much like me because I am the shrink and they know I'm always going to be analyzing them. Its hard to convince yourself to put yourself out there when people act differently with you. But Sarah doesn't treat you different and you still can't let her closer?
F: Doc, ´for me this is close.
L: And absolutely no desire, whatsoever, to be closer, with anyone?
F: Let me put it this way. It wasn't just for Francis' sake that I went after Luci. Yes, I was worried that she'd one day come back to finish what she started just to fuck with me. She liked trying to make me miserable. What do you think would have happened it she'd found out about Sarah?
L: *hides her smile because he totes cares about Sarah* Something horrible, I would imagine. Has this Luci situation been resolved?
F: I killed her, so, yeah.
L: And now you move forward.
F: Possibly.
L: What other choice do you have? Wallow in the past, pretending that all that matters is what came before, that there's no future for you? *mutters something about 'or maybe not get your leg fixed for no good reason'*
F: *is definitely in agreement about the leg thing* I'm not going to just throw myself into things just because the wicked witch is dead. But who said anything about wallowing?
L: Because people enjoy wallowing in their own self-pity whether the past has treated them badly or not. Your other option is to move forward. So where are you going to go from here?
F: self-pity isn't even in the picture here. Of course I'm moving on, one way or the other. But I can't say in which direction. That's not depending on the past, but rather the future. For fuck's sake, I haven't even been home for a week yet!
L: Fair enough. Haven't you ever thought about what you would do once you caught the wicked witch?
F: No, because I was never sure I'd survive it.
L: You are so hopeless.
F: Probably. *smirk*
L: *smiles* I would make suggestion, but I know you won't like them.
F: Do go on. I could use a laugh.
L: Which is exactly why I won't make those suggestions.
F: Aww, come on. You've been talking all this time; you can't shut up now.
L: Taunting will get you nowhere. I'm not wasting my expertise on a man who doesn't want to be here.
F: But you've been doing that all along.
L: True, but those were things that I felt were important enough that you needed to hear it, whether you take it to heart or not.
F: Oh well. Guess we're finished,, then?
L: Unless you got anything to add.
F: Not really, no.
L: You can always get a hold of me later if you need to.
F: I doubt it.
L: I figured as much. Good luck then.
elizabethdehner. He was none too happy about the idea, but I figured that it could give some character insight.L: I'm not just a shrink, I'm a psychiatrist. Makes me a doctor.
F: Still a shrink as far as I'm concerned.
L: I that makes you feel better about it, then I can deal with that.
F: Smooth start there, doc.
L: I don't see that you are the formal type. I can take on a more proper role if it will make you more comfortable.
F: That would just make me laugh at you.
L: So, my first assumption was correct. How much doubting of me are you going to do before we both just accept that this is going to happen?
F: Oh, not so much before as during the whole thing.
L: Alright. Then we might as well get to it. Why do you think you are here talking to me?
F:
L: You must like what you do if you are willing to see a shrink because they ask you to.
F: You do realize that you pretty much asked me if I enjoy killing people, right?
L: Trust me, I've heard plenty of strange things, aliens included, so yes, I'm asking.
F: Alright then. No, I don't enjoy killing. This is pest control, more or less. It's a job. It pays the bills.
L: So why that job? There's other ways to do 'pest control.'
F: Really now? Please do tell what we should do with those cone rogue. Hand them over to the cops, who doesn't even know we exist?
L: *raises eyebrow* Alright, point taken. You are still flirting around the question. Let me rephrase this; why did you choose to take on this kind of job? Was there nothing else that interested you?
F: Oh, sure there was. A hell of a lot of no good, actually. But when you're faced with the ultimatum 'join our merry gang or have your personality rewritten like a fucking robot' then you tend not to think too hard on it.
L: Ah, I can see where the hostility comes from. Since I don't know much about you other than just what I've heard, tell me what your superiors think is wrong with you. I can't get anywhere unless you help me find the start.
F: After a work-related incident they think I might be unstable. I'm not. I'm perfectly fine. And they don't even have anything better than that I might be unstable to come with.
L: I have a hard time believing they are making it up. You kill people for a living. Any incident might be worth talking to someone. *leans back and folds her arms over he stomach* You are awfully impersonal.
F: I don't see any reason to be personal. *Leans back as well* And I'm sure they're not making up their worry. But that doesn't change that I'm fine.
L: No one is perfectly fine. We all have our crutches, if you will. You are one of the most fabulous liars I have ever come across though.
F: Watch it, dear. *warning tone*
L: *leans forward, elbows on her knees, pretending he doesn't intimidate her* You are also hostile. You may be cleaning up the streets, but there's more to you than this charming, albeit elusive man sitting in front of me.
F: Yes, I'm hostile. I don't like shrinks, or doctors of any kind for that matter. And being a generally unpleasant person sort of comes with the job. I just happened to be generally unpleasant even before.
Liz: Why?
F: Hell if I know.
L: That's a lie. Think about it. Why?
F: Doc, I've never had much respect for others. I haven't bothered to try to figure out why.
L: Then let's figure it out. What was it like growing up?
F: Oh for fuck's sake, we on my childhood already? Alright, fine, I'll play along. Quiet and safe. A few buddies to hang around with, nice parents and all that.
L: *Mildly amused since she knew she would get that answer* What was your favorite toy as a kid?
F: Lego.
L: Did you follow directions to build something? Did you like the building or the tearing them apart later?
F: No. And building. How goes the analyzing?
L: The analyzing is curious actually. What were you like as a teenager?
F: Early or later?
L: Both.
F: Reserved. And later a mean little bastard.
L: What changed in the middle?
F: Got fed up with quiet and safe and left.
L: Why's that?
F: You tell me, doc. You're the one doing the analyzing.
L: That's not something I can analyze without all the data. What happened somewhere between then that changed things? Something made you want to leave. Was the grass greener somewhere else?
F: You're not going to accept boredom, are ya?
L: Only if you have a very good reason for that to be the only explanation. Did you have overbearing parents? Did they have a lot of plans for your future? Were they ambitious themselves?
F: They were good people. Middle class. Concerned about my future, sure, but what parents aren't? Not a hell of a lot of plans, no.
L: What were your friends like?
F: *shrug* hardly remember them anymore. Played soccer. Read comics. Talked about girls.
L: Are you parents still alive?
F: No idea.
L: Did you cut off contact with them? If so, I'd hope it was for there safety.
F: Seriously? I pretty much ran away from home because I was bored, and you wonder if I kept in touch? Come on...
L: Why'd you run away, Ford?
F: Do you have hearing problems? Or is it such a hard concept to grasp?
L: Alright, alright. You will be the first case in which someone left home with no reason other than boredom. I'll make a note.
F: *sneerk*
L: Go ahead, be proud of yourself. What made you a 'mean bastard' as a teenager? Just the boredom?
F: No, that would be experimenting the limits of my telepathy, and not really finding any.
L: And that made you mean?
F: Give a teenaged kid the ability to make people do exactly what he wants, and make him perfectly aware of it. How do you think that would end?
L: Different for some people. I can't speak from experience when I say that it scares me.
F: Well, I went wild with it, in any case. There, that's my childhood. What have you deduced from this?
L: Look, I'd like to say that I have a diagnosis for you. I'd like to say that you are easy to figure out and that I could make a series of observations, but I can't because there's more than what I'm hearing from you. You can act smug all you like, but you are human, Ford, just like everyone else. Yes, you are definitely special compared to the rest of us, but you are a human and I don't buy for one second that you don't feel anything. People aren't bitter and mean because they can't be. They are that way because they hurt. So why don't we try this again.
F: *smirk* I never said I wasn't human, and I never said that I don't feel anything.
L: You say more with your body language and your short answers than you think you do. I've been doing this job for long enough to know when people are holding back. Why don't you tell me about Sarah?
F: Sarah? Annoying bitch most of the time, but surprisingly fun to be around.
L: Sounds like you like her more than most people you encounter.
F: Mainly because she doesn't pretend to be all nice, or that everything is good in the world.
L: She sounds fairly realistic, then. *sighs* You know, I'm surprised. I had a preconceived notion of what I would be dealing with when I met you and you aren't how I expected.
F: Really? Color me curious.
L: I expected someone a little more unpredictable. There's a few mysteries in you, but nothing that makes you out of the ordinary. Which is why I still can't figure out how building with legos was your favorite thing to do as a kid where as now you kill people. Then again, I don't actually feel threatened by you.
F: Why should you? I have no reason to kill you. Like I said in the beginning, I don't particularly like killing people.
L: And that's where I'm stuck. You don't like it, but you do it. You were forced into it, but you don't have the desire to get out of it. You are quite frankly all contradictions.
F: I don't like it, but I'm damn good at it. And I can see that it's needed. So since I'm good at it, why not do it?
L: Didn't you have ambitions for yourself when you left home?
F: Not really. Nothing more than to enjoy myself.
L: Well, if I could dissect your brain, I would definitely want to. I can't say that you are 'fine,' but you are great at faking it.
F: You can have it when I'm done with it.
L: *laughs*
L: So how does your telepathy work, then?
F: What, you want the specifics?
L: I'm a curious person. I just want to know what's it like, what you are capable of and where it all started.
F: It requires either physical contact or eye contact for it to work. Once that's established there's not really a limit what I can do with it.
F: And I can't even remember when it started.
L: Did you always have it then?
F: Dunno. It's like something was always there, but I didn't start to use it until I was ten or so, I think.
L: I suppose that makes sense. Having something hard wired into you. I sorta know how that feels, but nowhere near that extent. Do you like this ability?
F: *shrug* it has its uses.
L: Its never really given you trouble?
F: No, but I've given others trouble with it.
L: Maliciously or otherwise?
F: A bit of both. And a lot of experimenting. Teen years, again. After that I've mostly just used in my work.
L: I guess I can understand that. Learning your limits as a teenager is pretty typical, with or without telepathy.
F: *another shrug* Guess so.
L: You aren't much of a talker.
F: Only occasionally. This is not one of those occasions.
L: And that's because I'm a shrink.
F: Partly. It boils down to me thinking that this is all a big waste of time.
L: Why's it a waste of time? You don't think there's parts of you that need solving? Or maybe just a smoother explanation?
F: I have no idea what you mean by that last part, but I like solving my own puzzles, thank you.
L: You know yourself as well as anyone else and you don't have any events in your life that changed you in a way you don't understand? I sure as hell can't seem to figure it out for you and you won't let me in, either.
f: I know myself better than anyone. I know how I function. And no, I'm not letting you in. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I'm fine. I'm the same asshole now as I was before the incident. But I guess you won't believe that.
L: I'm not really seeing this as a before and after situation. You are the same from before. Alright, I will trust you. Look, I have always had an intuition that is terrifyingly accurate. I feel like I'm missing something - we're missing something. But I can only go as far as you will let me. Since I doubt appealing to the human side in you will work and I'm not about to threaten you, then we must be done. I'd like to know more, I'd like to help, whatever that means, but I can't. Maybe it is less about you and more about how you hurt others, I don't know.
F: See, that's the good thing about being a loner; you don't hurt anyone you care about.
Liz: *totally just got permission to use Sarah's session as amo* You may be a loner, but you have hurt someone and I'll bet you anything that you do care about them.
F: Like who? *oblivious Ford is oblivious!*
L: *way too excited about this* Sarah.
F: *think think think. Can't have been any of the screaming matches... Oh, right!* That was on her own damn head. I was unconscious. I can't be blamed for that.
L: No, maybe you can't. But it hurt her. It scared her. And she, even with all the denial, was concerned for you. She risked herself, everything about her, to go in after you. She's hurting over that still. You can't be blamed for something you couldn't control. She cares about you an awful lot more than she will ever admit.
F: She tried it twice, she said. That the first time sort of scared her off. That she didn't quit then is all on her. Am I grateful? A bit, yeah. I think I'd have gotten out anyway given time. But if she wants to stick her hand into meatgrinder, can you really blame me for it?
L: Ford, that's not what we're talking about. You are missing the point. She went in after you. She was terrified for you. It wasn't just going in after you, it was being afraid of what could have happened to you before you landed in the hospital. She said you disappeared.
F: Yeah. Duty called.
L: Fine, duty called. It doesn't at all strike you with anything that she cared? You give no emotional response to that? To her? She doesn't deserve more?
F: Okay, here it is. Plain and simple truth. I like her. I really do. I think she's cool, and one of the very few in this world that I'm willing to trust with anything. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to change myself for her.
L: She'd never ask you to change, Ford. Never. She knows how important you are and what would a hard-headed, sarcastic and defensive woman do with a knight in shining armor anyway?
F: ...what the fuck?
L: *laughs* The only women that ask men to change for them are the women looking for a knight in shining armor. She's not one of those women. She doesn't need you by any means. She functions on her own as well as she can, but she still sticks around and she still cares.
F: ... *Is wondering if this damned shrink interpreted what he said in a totally wrong way.* That would be her own problem.
L: *can see wheels turning* What are you thinking?
F: With your talk about knights in shining armor, it makes you sound like you believe that there's some romantic interest there.
L: *snorts* No, no, no, knight in shining armor. A hero. You are no hero and she would never make you change to be one. Romantic interest was not what I was implying.
F: Hero? *short laugh* Definitely not.
L: Like I said, a hero complex is definitely not something you have. Quite the opposite actually.
F: What, with my insisting that I'm not that nice?
L: You don't seem to think much of yourself at all. You don't think you are evil, you just seem to not think anything of you. There could be a whole other life for you out there, yet you stay where you are.
F: Did Sarah say anything at all about Francis?
L: *narrows eyes* He's a good kid and he needs you.
F: He's broken is what he is. And don't call him kid; he's older than I am. But, yes, he needs me. Doing what I do now gives me enough money after fairly little time to be able to be around. Plus, It wouldn't be as simple as that to leave.
L: I'm sorry, I've never met him and I know very little about him. Why can't you leave him? You'll have to explain it to me, I'm not completely caught up.
F: The bitch that I left without warning to dispose of? She broke his mind years ago. Completely shattered it, and piece by piece it's been rebuilt into something that at least isn't a frantic animal. But he's essentially a little kid, mentally. I can leave him alone for a few hours, but that's pretty much it.
L: *totally wants to 'awww' at him* Maybe there's more of a hero in you than I expected. Again, you've got me stumped.
F: He was my partner for over ten years. And I'm not completely soulless, you know?
L: I wasn't completely convinced earlier. You don't show signs of guilt, remorse, happiness. The only thing I catch is the occasional flicker of revenge and even then I'm not sure.
(bethdehner (23:43:46): (Liz is totally useless when it comes to Ford. She's captivated by him, but doens't know what to do with herself)
filthyjinx (23:44:54): (I'm sorry! *facepalm* He's just... himself))
bethdehner (23:45:21): (haha, no its awesome. He's a challenge.)
F: I find guilt and remorse useless. And happiness I leave for others.
F: Okay, time for plain and honest truth again. Happiness and such is not what I'm after. This is gonna sound noble as all hell, but it really isn't. The one goal I have it to try to piece Francis back together, to the man he used to be. That's it. Just because I want him back.
L: I can see why Sarah likes you.
F: Shut up.
L: *smiles* You want to do something good for someone and you don't want people to like you for it?
F: I don't think it would matter much where Francis is concerned. He seems perfectly happy the way he is. But I want him back the way he used to be. There's nothing noble or altruistic there.
L: Your problem isn't that you lie to others or you have some hidden agenda. It's that you lie to yourself. Admitting that you care for someone doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you the hero. We all pretend not to care, because once we let ourselves care we get hurt. We open ourselves up, we become vulnerable and a lot of the time it backfires.
F: Oh, stop it with the hippie bullshit. First of all, I've already said that there are people I care about. But that doesn't mean that I have any inclination to let them close. I simply have no interest. Never had.
L: Never in all my years studying people - and you can believe me when I say that's a lot of people - have I come across anyone who wants to be alone. None. Only have people held others back for fear of getting hurt themselves. Its a big scary world out there and you know it better than anyone. Either you know them getting close to you will hurt you or it will hurt them. If the former, you need to grow up. If the latter, your noble causes are only hurting them more.
F: Except for Francis and Sarah, it's because I tend to find people moronic. Francis... yeah, guess we're close. But like I said, he's mentally lie a child. A child with ADD, no less. As for Sarah... Considering that we scream insults at each other and still somehow manage to keep from killing each other, I'd say that she's as close as she's going to get.
L: What are you afraid of?
F: Not particularly much nowadays.
L: Not physically, Ford. Not what is going to kill you, not what is going to haunt you. What about letting people closer scares you? I get it, okay? I really do. I spend most of my time lurking around corridors watching other people live their lives. Its my job. I stay away because people don't much like me because I am the shrink and they know I'm always going to be analyzing them. Its hard to convince yourself to put yourself out there when people act differently with you. But Sarah doesn't treat you different and you still can't let her closer?
F: Doc, ´for me this is close.
L: And absolutely no desire, whatsoever, to be closer, with anyone?
F: Let me put it this way. It wasn't just for Francis' sake that I went after Luci. Yes, I was worried that she'd one day come back to finish what she started just to fuck with me. She liked trying to make me miserable. What do you think would have happened it she'd found out about Sarah?
L: *hides her smile because he totes cares about Sarah* Something horrible, I would imagine. Has this Luci situation been resolved?
F: I killed her, so, yeah.
L: And now you move forward.
F: Possibly.
L: What other choice do you have? Wallow in the past, pretending that all that matters is what came before, that there's no future for you? *mutters something about 'or maybe not get your leg fixed for no good reason'*
F: *is definitely in agreement about the leg thing* I'm not going to just throw myself into things just because the wicked witch is dead. But who said anything about wallowing?
L: Because people enjoy wallowing in their own self-pity whether the past has treated them badly or not. Your other option is to move forward. So where are you going to go from here?
F: self-pity isn't even in the picture here. Of course I'm moving on, one way or the other. But I can't say in which direction. That's not depending on the past, but rather the future. For fuck's sake, I haven't even been home for a week yet!
L: Fair enough. Haven't you ever thought about what you would do once you caught the wicked witch?
F: No, because I was never sure I'd survive it.
L: You are so hopeless.
F: Probably. *smirk*
L: *smiles* I would make suggestion, but I know you won't like them.
F: Do go on. I could use a laugh.
L: Which is exactly why I won't make those suggestions.
F: Aww, come on. You've been talking all this time; you can't shut up now.
L: Taunting will get you nowhere. I'm not wasting my expertise on a man who doesn't want to be here.
F: But you've been doing that all along.
L: True, but those were things that I felt were important enough that you needed to hear it, whether you take it to heart or not.
F: Oh well. Guess we're finished,, then?
L: Unless you got anything to add.
F: Not really, no.
L: You can always get a hold of me later if you need to.
F: I doubt it.
L: I figured as much. Good luck then.
